Category — What the Fishwa?

One-Sided Report

A forensic laboratory in Hyderabad  reported that the CD of Varun Gandhi’s speech made in March was not doctored. And Maneka Gandhi, expectedly, jumps in with her comments.

Maneka Gandhi on Sunday said forensic reports verifying the contents of  a CD containing his purported hate speeches were a “one-sided version”

“The entire tape is doctored, words have been interchanged… the forensic report is a one-sided version,” the MP from Aonla in Uttar Pradesh told reporters here on her way to a party conclave.

Now, what on earth is a one-sided forensic report? Does Maneka expect a report to have “for” and “against” sections like a debate in BJP’s chintan baithaks?

Or maybe she is suggesting that the CD should have been flipped like an audio-cassette by the forensic guys to hear the second side as well? And in that case, probably we would discover more versions of hate speeches by her suputra.

June 21, 2009   No Comments

The Great Indian Press Wallah

Looking at the way the great Indian gutter press has been reacted to MS Dhoni’s approach to the media, I am amused. I have always been amused at the typical Indian journalist’s idea that they are very important people and everyone should treat them with extreme respect. Well I have never thought of Indian scribes any better than clowns and apparently many other people think the same way.

This reminds me of a small incident that happened a few months ago.

It was a petrol pump where a guy just ahead of me in the queue got into an altercation with the filling attendant – regarding if he had reset the pump-meter before filling up the tank.

When the argument wasn’t going anywhere, the car owner decided to throw his weight around. He pointed to a sticker on his car which prominently said “PRESS” and asked “tujhe maloom hai, main kaun hoon?”

The filling attendant, smiled, adjusted his cap and shot back – “Kapde istree karne waale ho?

June 11, 2009   2 Comments

Younger Wife, Longer Life

When people have nothing else to do, they start researching stuff like this.

Men live longer if they marry a younger woman, according to population statistics.  What’s more, men who tie the knot with older women are more likely to die early, the study at Germany’s Max Planck Institute found.

According to the research, blokes cut the risk of premature death by 11 per cent if their wives are seven to nine years younger, reports The Daily Express.

I am not sure if having a younger wife helps you die an octogenarian- but one thing I know for sure – once you are married, life seems long anyway.

June 4, 2009   1 Comment

Hungry Cop

A policeman who was caught accepting a bribe – tries to destroy evidence by swallowing the money.

A police constable, who took Rs 1000 bribe, swallowed the cash after anti-corruption bureau sleuths caught him in the act on Saturday. 

Constable Vijay Kalaskar who swallowed two Rs 500 notes claimed that he took the bribe on behalf of sub-inspector Madhavrao Shinde.


“When Kalaskar noticed that we were running towards him, he tried to flee but we nabbed him. He swallowed the currency notes. We took him to Government Medical College and Hospital for medical examination. The stomach wash, stool and urine of the constable would be sent for chemical analysis,” said Karmarkar.

Now, a stool test will decide the fate of a bribery case – that must be a first of its kind.  Now we know exactly why the cops in India are better known as paise-khaane waale police force. 

April 26, 2009   1 Comment

The Juvenile Kasab

Ajamal Kasab’s new counsel is Abbas Kazmi one street-smart lawyer. He has contended that contented that Kasab was just 17 at the time of Mumbai massacre and should be tried in a juvenile court. The plea, of course has been rejected.

The special Sessions court located inside the Arthur Road jail turned down the appeal of Mumbai terror accused Ajamal Kasab that he should be tried in a juvenile court.

Abbas Kazmi, the newly appointed counsel of Kasab, contented that Ajmal Kasab was just 17 at the time of Mumbai massacre, so the case should be proceeded in a juvenile court under the juvenile laws.

If people can accept that Shahid Afridi was just 16 when he scored that thrilling 37 ball century (and even believe that he is 29 years old as of today), they could accept that Kasab is just 17. Or maybe even 14.



April 23, 2009   No Comments

Aamir Khan, The Toilet Cleaner

Aamir Khan has offered to personally clean toilets of single-screen theatres – all to ensure that Vashu Bhagnani’s film Kal Kisne Dekha does well at the box-office.

At the meeting of the United Producers & Distributors Association (UPDA) Vashu Bhagnani’s hands and feet went cold with nervousness and pleasure when Aamir Khan walked up to him and assured the worried producer that his son’s debut film Kal Kisne Dekha will get a royal release in single theatres even if the multiplex theatres remain unavailable.

Aamir said, ‘Vashuji, we’ll make sure that the mutiplex audiences will head towards single theatres to see your son’s film. I will personally clean the w.c. if we have to. But don’t worry, your film will get the proper release.’

Hmmm. After the Ghajini haircut hype unleashed on the multiplexes, I won’t be surprised if more people buy tickets to watch Aamir Khan clean the toilets rather than watch yet another producer-ka-beta‘s debut film. And if someone from Harpic is listening – it’s time to grab the opportunity and sign Aamir Khan as its brand ambassador.

But strangely, I still can’t figure the connection between cleaning the WCs and a box-office hit. Unless, Kal Kisne Dekha - pretty much like Ghajini – is load of crap.

April 16, 2009   1 Comment

More TOI Headlines

Atiq’s wife seeks votes for her him
For her, him or someone in between?

Students get degree
What else do they expect to get? A Lok Sabha election ticket?

Flying teachers bail out colleges

Three held for stocking 40kg ephedrine in Thane godown
Had they stocked it in a Ghatkopar godown, would that be okay?

April 12, 2009   No Comments

Earthquakes And Camping Weekends

Italy has just seen has seen one of its worst ever earthquakes – and yet another gaffe from the Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi.

The Italian prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi, today sparked controversy when he said the 17,000 people made homeless by Monday’s earthquake should think of themselves as being on a “camping weekend”.

Berlusconi made the remark during an interview with a German television channel as he visited one of the emergency camps set up to cater for people who have lost their homes in the disaster.

The quake, which devastated the city of L’Aquila and surrounding towns and villages, has now claimed 260 lives. Berlusconi told the reporter for the N-TV channel that the homeless quake victims “lacked nothing”.”They have medicaments. They have hot food. They have shelter for the night,” he said.

“Of course, their current lodgings are a bit temporary. But they should see it like a weekend of camping.”

While the rest of the world has pounced on Berlusconi for his insensitivity, I really don’t think his comments deserve all that criticism. Berlusconi, is in fact right. When you think of a post-earthquake homeless experience as a camping trip – it does make your mood lighter. In every tragedy one goes through,  the person has to look at the brighter things of life – or assume that this is yet another adventure you are going through.

Imagine if you are caught in a flood and your house is cut-off from the rest of the world. Simply think of it as Blue Lagoon kinda experience. If you are caught in a hotel with terrorists shooting everyone around – think of it as an opportunity to play the banian-clad Bruce Willis in Die-Hard. If you are caught in a worse tragedy – like a movie where Aishwarya and Hrithik Roshan attempt acting- think of it as a trip to the Madame Tussauds wax museum.

And if you are caught in a Himesh Reshammiya concert – well you can’t do anything. In fact you are dead, admitted into hell for your past paaps and there is no way out.

April 11, 2009   No Comments

Four Captains And A Politburo

Kolkata Knight Riders and the four-captain theory is at least getting the team much needed free publicity. While Sunny Gavaskar rubbishes Shah Rukh Khan and John Buchanan’s latest brainwave – King Khan is quick to point out that KKR is his team – and he’ll do anything he likes with it. And if Gavaskar wants his ideas to be put into practice, he should buy his own Chinchpokli Champions XI.  I think that’s fair enough – it’s SRK’s team and he’s free to do whatever he likes.

(Does this have anything to do with Gavaskar being pelted with eggs by the Calcutta crowd in the mid-80s? Well I don’t know)

But let’s come back to the four captain theory. I think that’s the way to go about it. After all, that’s how Kolkata works… I can now tell you what SRK and Buchanan precisely have in mind.

One, the four captains won’t be called ‘Captains’. They’ll address each other as ‘Comrades’ and the collective team of four will be called the KKR Politburo. And then there would be a General Secretary called John Buchanan – who in turn would be reporting on a hotline to SRK, who for some strange reason would be based in China.

When there’s a bowling change to be made or the fine leg to be brought inside the circle – the game would be called to a pause – a politburo meeting held – and then the General Secretary would take a decision. In case of problems, the call to China can immediately be made for a final decision.

Just in case a solution isn’t in sight – just as the game is slipping away quickly from KKR, the politburo will simply call the rest of the players (also called the trade union) and they’ll dig up the pitch, stone the floodlights, threaten the umpires, bash up rival players – and ensure a match abandoned.

That way KKR can never lose a match.

For those who pooh-pooh the four captain theory, just a reminder that it has worked for 32 years in Bengal now. And no reason why it shouldn’t work for another 32.

April 6, 2009   No Comments

Advani And The Swiss Bank Money Hoax

Self-appointed Prime Minister Lal Krishna Advani apparently is too excited about the Internet.  He suddenly is receiving chain mails like all of us – and has decided the government policy should be decided based on these email forwards.

Mr.Advani now wants all black money stashed away in Swiss banks by Indians brought back. And he promises to do that if he comes to power. Well,  how a man who couldn’t negotiate a few hijackers – will arm-twist Swiss bankers is beyond me.

But Mr. Advani has a lot of figures to quote from a “credible source” called the Wikipedia.

Quoting Wikipedia, which he described as the “most credible” source of information, Mr. Advani said that in 2007, holdings in Swiss banks by Indians were estimated at $5.7 billion, up from $2.6 billion in 2001

His  press release says:

It is equally well known that many wealthy Indians have deposited their illicit monies in secret Swiss bank accounts and tax havens elsewhere around the world. As per credible estimates, these amounts range between $500 billion (Rs. 25,00,000 crore) and $1400 billion (Rs. 70,00,000 crore).

Now where in the whole Wikipedia do these figures appear? I can’t find any such mention in the Wiki. Probably it has been edited out. But I can tell you precisely where Mr.Advani got those “credible estimates” from.

It comes from a hoax email chain that has been around for a couple of years now.  A version of it is here. Over the past year or so – a number of journalists, web media guys and bloggers have fallen for this and have converted the email contents into news reports and blog posts. And now Advani, the PM-in-waiting too has fallen for it.

Here’s what this legend claims.

Black money in Swiss banks — Swiss Banking Association report, 2006 details bank deposits in the territory of Switzerland by nationals of following countries:

Top five

India—- $1456 billion
Russia—$ 470 billion
UK——-$390 billion
Ukraine- $100 billion
China—–$ 96 billion

Okay, the small problem is that the ‘Swiss Banking Association’ simply doesn’t exist. There is a ‘Swiss Bankers Association’ - but that never released any such report. So, where does Advani’s figures come from?

Further Advani has a crack team in place who will work out a way to bring the money back.

The BJP will form a Task Force comprising experts in law, accounting, management and intelligence to prepare a strategic document for India to recommend ways to get back the national wealth stashed away illegally by the corrupt politicians, venal businessmen and criminal overlords. Shri S. Gurumurthy, well-known chartered accountant and writer specializing in investigative journalism; Dr. R. Vaidyanathan, Professor of Finance at the Indian Institute of Management, Bangalore; Shri Mahesh Jethmalani, a renowned lawyer; and Shri Ajit Doval, an acclaimed national security expert, have agreed to work voluntarily on this Task Force.

Now in addition to Advani – we have a further four idiots who don’t even the know the source of the information they are throwing around – and they will recommend ways to get back the money.

I don’t mind Advani’s populist promises- but at least he could get his facts right.

March 30, 2009   21 Comments