Category — Bollywood

Abhishek apparently will not be speaking out a lot in Delhi-6.

Abhishek Bachchan doesn’t speak much in the film. In fact, Rakeysh Mehra lets out that Abhishek has barely 11 lines to speak in the whole film!

This makes Delhi 6 Abhishek’s most silent performance to date. “He’s quiet, very quiet in the film,” admits director Rakeysh Mehra. “His character is more like a silent observer than a commentator.”

Aah! They think have finally figured out a way to get Abhishek Bachchan a hit.

Why did Saif cross the road?
He didn’t intend to – but somebody pushed him across

Why did Kareena cross the road – twice?
The double crosser!

Why did Aamir cross the road?
To get to the other side…no, to shop…wait -  it was neither…dammit, I forgot why…

Why did Himesh cross the road?
To hari home, hari home…

Why did Ektaa Kapoor cross the road.
She didn’t cross it stupid, she krossed it

Why did Bappida cross the road?
That’s his idea of exercise.

Why did Devanand cross the road?
Because chickens weren’t invented then

Why did Priyanka cross the road?
She didn’t cross it, she was teleported.

Why did Abhishek cross the road with his eyes closed?
Because that’s the easiest way to get a hit.

Why did Aishwarya cross the road?
A cross between Aish and the road? That would result in a zebra crossing forGodsake.

There we go. Of all people on earth, Ms. Kareena Kapoor has been crowned as the sexiest vegetarian of the year.

Bollywood actress Kareena Kapoor and cricket star S Sreesanth have been crowned the winners of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals’ (PETA) annual Sexiest Vegetarians Alive poll.  The online contest was conducted by petaDishoom, PETA India’s youth arm. Kareena captured the female title for the second year in succession, while fast bowler Sreesanth beat out fellow vegetarian cricket stars Ishant Sharma and Anil Kumble to win the title.  Kareena and Sreesanth narrowly edged out 2007 winner R Madhavan, model and doctor Aditi Gowitrikar, Pentagram vocalist Vishal Dadlani, and singer Kailash Kher, among others.

Yet again, that inspires me into writing a few lousy vegetarian jokes. These are terrible vegetarian jokes, but at least no animals were harmed while writing them.

How did Saif react to Kareena’s winning the sexiest vegetarian award?
Vegetarian? Who toh din bhar mera bheja khaati hai

And how did Kareena retort to Saif’s comments?
She sliced him for her mid-day salad

How do Saif and Kareena change a lightbulb?
Saif changes the bulb, while Kareena checks for animal ingredients

Why does Saif adore Kareena?
Because vegetarians taste better

Why did Kareena cross the road with a basket of vegetables?
Because she wanted to prove – whatever a chicken can do, vegetables can do it too.

What did the ladyfinger tell Kareena?
You see, I am a size-zero as well.

What’s the difference between Kareena and five kilos of green peas?
About two kilos.

What’s the difference between Kareena and a Karela?
The Karela is green in colour.

Why did Saif end up with a black-eye?
Because he thought a 24-carrot necklace would please Kareena

Why does Kareena like zucchinis?
This is a family blog, right?

When I have nothing else to do, I come with some really cheesy stuff. Just in case you would like to know more about Kareena and Saif, who incidentally have been tagged as by the media as India’s most glamorous couple (whatever that means) check out the below.

Why do you call them Saifeena?
Does Karaif sound better? Or Sebo? Or Khanpoor?

Why not just Saif and Kareena?
And then all you feminists would ask “why not Kareena and Saif“

Okay, why not Kareena and Saif, why Saifeena?
You didn’t ask that question when they coined the term Brangelina…

Are they the Brad and Angelina of Bollywood.
No, Brangelina are the Saifeena of Hollywood

Does Saif really love Kareena?
Se below question

Does Kareena really love Saif?
See question above

When do they get married?
Whenever sufficient funds for the permanent alimony is accumulated

You mean Kareena will marry for the money?
No, Saif will be the one demanding alimony

Why did Saif cross the road?
Because Kareena told him to do so.

Why did Kareena cross the road?
Because Saif told her – Bebo, you shouldn’t be crossing the road.

Why did Saif ask Kareena NOT to cross the road?
Because he wanted her to cross the road.

Why won’t Saif and Kareena be together on this Valentine’s day?
Haven’t you heard of the Sri Ram Sene?

Why did the waiter remove the chicken curry from the table?
Because he thought Saif said – Curry? Naa..

How did Kareena react when Shahid compared her to a cow?
She was moo-ed to tears

How did Saif react when Shahid compared Kareena to a cow?
He asked Shahid – dude, any chance of you both patching up again – and give me an escape route?

What did Kareena say when Saif disappointed her?
Bas, ho gaya?

Everyday we learn about new derogatory terms. After ‘slumdog’, apparently ‘barber‘ is a derogatory term as well.

Just days ahead of its release Shahrukh Khan’s Billu Barber has run into a controversy. The Salon and Beauty Parlour associations are up in arms against the movie’s title which uses the word ‘barber’ which they say is objectionable.

In a last minute attempt to appease the barbers Shahrukh has decided to drop the word ‘barber’ from the title in the pre-release promotional campaigns.

Sadly, SRK didn’t name the film Billu Blogger. Else, I would have promptly protested against the derogatory title – and got my fifteen seconds of fame.

Percept Picture Company is now looking forward to produce a bunch of horror films.

Entertainment firm Percept Picture Company will invest Rs 100 crore in a new movie production banner christened Percept Horrotainment  said its COO Navin Shah.

[…]

The first movie to be launched under Percept Horrotainment is going to be ‘Grr….’ directed by Priyadarshan.

We already have had, Sshhh…koi hai, now we have Grr…kaun hai. And probably soon a horror-whodunit titled Phrrrr.. kisne kiya. Bollywood’s imagination is surely peaking when it comes to deciding film names.

But why do they need a new banner for horror flicks? Don’t most Bollywood releases (Ghajini, for instance) fall into the horror jonar in any case?

Here’s what Celina Jaitley is doing for PETA and the elephants.

If elephants see this campaign, they would prefer being shackled, beaten and abused.

The tech guys were the talk of the town
Satyam  was the jewel in the crown
And then came Ramalinga
They sang Ringa Ringa
Heisha, heisha, and they all fell down

They wanted to make a massive cake
It was all for Mayawati’s sake
In a message that spread fear
Behenji was pretty clear:
When I hafta take, I hafta take

There was a very pavitra stree
Who got married a peepal tree
But when she smiled
Her fans went wild
For that, they gave her the Padma Shree

A blog is something Sonia needs
Advani’s writings everyone reads
She said – I’ll slog and slog
To put up a better blog
But why on earth, do we need RSS feeds?

When Chawla said his bladder was weak
CEC wanted to have a peek
But when the CEC spied
The angry Chawla cried
In a loo, I am supposed to leak

Earlier lousy limericks here.

The amazingly innovative Sri Rama Sene has decided to marry-off dating couples in Bangalore on Valentine’s day.

At a meeting on Wednesday, chaired by Sri Rama Sene leader Pramod Mutalik, Sene decided to arrange marriage between dating couples. For that, it has formed five teams. They will roam around Bangalore with a video camera and turmeric stub. If they find young couples dating, they will force them to wed on the spot. “The couples will be taken to a sub-registrar’s office to solemnise the marriage,” S Vasanth Kumar Bhavani, Sene’s Bangalore city president, told TOI.

So all you lovebirds who are having trouble getting married – due to opposition from parents, relatives, society, religious or caste differences – or if you just want to avoid wedding expenses, just make sure you are dating in Bangalore on V-day.

You get an all-expenses paid wedding, courtesy the Sene – and that too solemnised by the registrar. And when your angry parents confront you, just say – what to do, what to do, they forced us.

PS: This is unrelated to the above, but an insider tells me that Bebo and Saif have just cancelled their Valentine date in Bangalore.

Aamir Khan is ready to produce his next film.

Bollywood actor Aamir Khan who is known for raising voice against social evils is all set to produce a film on the farmers’ plight in Bhopal.

[…]

According to the reports, the project has already begun in Bhopal.

It is indeed a revelation on how Ghajini raised its voice against social evils. But I thought Aamir probably could probably leave the farmers alone, who already have enough problems to deal with.

However, I am curious on what the possible storyline could be. A hard-working and honest farmer takes a loan, mortaging his land. Then the farmer suddenly has a short term memory loss – and forgets to pay his EMIs. The loan-sharks descend and threaten the farmer. The farmer, thanks to the drought in central India, has no crops to harvest – and instead crops his hair really short (with a couple of  lines that criss-cross the head like dry irrigation canals) – and then goes on bash the loan-sharks with his plough.

Oooh, what an idea! I must rush and register the script before Aamir steals it.