Posts from — February 2009

… especially if you are Barkha Dutt.

Via: Flickr

Abhishek apparently will not be speaking out a lot in Delhi-6.

Abhishek Bachchan doesn’t speak much in the film. In fact, Rakeysh Mehra lets out that Abhishek has barely 11 lines to speak in the whole film!

This makes Delhi 6 Abhishek’s most silent performance to date. “He’s quiet, very quiet in the film,” admits director Rakeysh Mehra. “His character is more like a silent observer than a commentator.”

Aah! They think have finally figured out a way to get Abhishek Bachchan a hit.

Why did Saif cross the road?
He didn’t intend to - but somebody pushed him across

Why did Kareena cross the road - twice?
The double crosser!

Why did Aamir cross the road?
To get to the other side…no, to shop…wait -  it was neither…dammit, I forgot why…

Why did Himesh cross the road?
To hari home, hari home…

Why did Ektaa Kapoor cross the road.
She didn’t cross it stupid, she krossed it

Why did Bappida cross the road?
That’s his idea of exercise.

Why did Devanand cross the road?
Because chickens weren’t invented then

Why did Priyanka cross the road?
She didn’t cross it, she was teleported.

Why did Abhishek cross the road with his eyes closed?
Because that’s the easiest way to get a hit.

Why did Aishwarya cross the road?
A cross between Aish and the road? That would result in a zebra crossing forGodsake.

This is almost a month-old news, but still worth blogging. Police in Nigeria are holding a goat accused of attempting to steal a car.

“The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car,” Tunde Mohammed, a spokesman for Kwara state police, told Reuters.

“They pursued them. However, one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat,” he said. While Mr Mohammed said he could not confirm whether a man had, in fact, turned into a goat, he did admit that the animal was in police custody. A photo of the goat, resting on its knees next to a pile of straw, was published in Nigeria’s Vanguard newspaper.

I tell you, it’s a matter of time before the Mumbai police spot this story and do their own replication. Don’t be surprised if a donkey is produced in a Mumbai court in the near future with the police claiming - that’s a transformed Dawood.

TOI reports on a cola giant getting fined - as a condom was found in a sealed bottle it marketed.

The state consumer commission has ordered a prominent cola giant to pay Rs 20,000 as compensation and Rs 3,000 as cost of litigation to a  consumer, who found a condom inside a sealed bottle and fell sick after consuming the drink from another bottle he ordered.

The complainant, Sudesh Sharma, a resident of Ujhani village here, had purchased two cola bottles from a retail shop near Kashmere Gate back in 2003. Sharma was shocked to see a condom inside the sealed cola bottle. On consuming the second bottle, he found dirt and other contaminants inside it. He started suffering from severe dyspepsia and headache, followed by insomnia. His condition worsened over a period of time and he had to seek medical treatment.

Note the TOI report - it says a “a prominent cola giant”. The giant actually happens to be Pepsi - which for some reason the TOI hesitates to name. Naming Pepsi would result in reduced adspends, right?

Now let’s look at the Sharma story. He buys two bottles of cola (of a prominent giant) - discovers a condom in one of them. So shocked he is by his discovery- that he goes on to gulp the other bottle,  which incidentally is contaminated as well.

So believable, eh?

… do you really roll on the floor, laughing?

No, I am not asking about ROFLMAO for now.

Hundreds of additional crores will now be spent on moon missions by India.

ISRO today got a 27 per cent hike in budgetary allocation, a major chunk of which is will be spent on missions to moon, development of the semi-cryogenic engine and building a rocket for launching heavier satellites.

Indian Space Research Organisation (ISRO) was allocated Rs 4,459 crore, an increase of Rs 960 crore over the previous year’s sanction of Rs 3,499 crore, in the interim budget presented by Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee here.

India’s achivement in science and technology has been mind-boggling. Soon they would be landing a man on the moon. But they still can’t invent a device that could simplify the procedure of inserting a naada into a pajama.

Sadly, nobody really understands the common man’s needs.

There we go. Of all people on earth, Ms. Kareena Kapoor has been crowned as the sexiest vegetarian of the year.

Bollywood actress Kareena Kapoor and cricket star S Sreesanth have been crowned the winners of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals’ (PETA) annual Sexiest Vegetarians Alive poll.  The online contest was conducted by petaDishoom, PETA India’s youth arm. Kareena captured the female title for the second year in succession, while fast bowler Sreesanth beat out fellow vegetarian cricket stars Ishant Sharma and Anil Kumble to win the title.  Kareena and Sreesanth narrowly edged out 2007 winner R Madhavan, model and doctor Aditi Gowitrikar, Pentagram vocalist Vishal Dadlani, and singer Kailash Kher, among others.

Yet again, that inspires me into writing a few lousy vegetarian jokes. These are terrible vegetarian jokes, but at least no animals were harmed while writing them.

How did Saif react to Kareena’s winning the sexiest vegetarian award?
Vegetarian? Who toh din bhar mera bheja khaati hai

And how did Kareena retort to Saif’s comments?
She sliced him for her mid-day salad

How do Saif and Kareena change a lightbulb?
Saif changes the bulb, while Kareena checks for animal ingredients

Why does Saif adore Kareena?
Because vegetarians taste better

Why did Kareena cross the road with a basket of vegetables?
Because she wanted to prove – whatever a chicken can do, vegetables can do it too.

What did the ladyfinger tell Kareena?
You see, I am a size-zero as well.

What’s the difference between Kareena and five kilos of green peas?
About two kilos.

What’s the difference between Kareena and a Karela?
The Karela is green in colour.

Why did Saif end up with a black-eye?
Because he thought a 24-carrot necklace would please Kareena

Why does Kareena like zucchinis?
This is a family blog, right?

While I try to keep dodging belans and other assorted missiles at home, hope you all have a safe and wonderful Valentine’s day.

Do try and stick to your respective partners, do not buy multiple “You-are-my-only-love” cards and have a great time.

Meanwhile, I have my belantine to deal with…

Pramod Muthalik, the man who invited a million pink chaddis, probably must be the most sought after man in India today. Why else would thousands of women all across the country throw their pink underwear at him? With thousands of chaddis already sent across in just three days, Muthalik must have set some sort of a record - I doubt if even the Beatles (or Elvis) in their prime would have got such attention from their female fans.

But Muthalik has the been the most sporting of guys - he’s even posed in the gifts that he has been sent across.